My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
