I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
