STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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