He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
