i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Boobs are out for the taking
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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