I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
