She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
