I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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