I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
