Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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