I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
