I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
