I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
sick fucks of a feather flock together
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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