I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
