His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
