I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
