I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
