he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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