Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
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