I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
