It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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