Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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