Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
