Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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