I want to walk on stilts...naked
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
