I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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