shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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