I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
