I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
