I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
