Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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