eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
