It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
