I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
