My sheets look like a crime scene.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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