I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just want nice things and good sex
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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