There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
