I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
