Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
