just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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