My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
