Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I checked into jail on foursquare
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
being pregnant is like rehab
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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