The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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