dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
