She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
