He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize