I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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