I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
