just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
