I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
