Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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