don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
