well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
