there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
