At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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