My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
