peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
being pregnant is like rehab
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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