I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
