This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Holy shit dude........stairs
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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